Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Games People Play part two

More games people play ~ Before May Mattered

Part one here

games people play part two
No more games


Back at home we put some music on, got ourselves a bandy to drink, and I changed into some shorts – it was a hot evening (and I have great legs...) After a few minutes of chatting I said,

“Oh my back is still a bit sun dry – you can put some cream on it for me,” and promptly went and got some.

I took my top and bra off and he then gave me a full scale back and front massage!
games people play part two
Playing games

Then I returned him the favour and of course that led to kissing.

I certainly wasn't going to initiate anything further because of the dreadful incident that happened all those weeks ago. After a short time of making out – remember I have been topless since the massage – we discarded the rest of out clothes. 

He was rock hard (phew I thought). Pushing me down onto the floor he started fingering me, quite roughly but I can't say I didn't like. One finger entered me, then two, then three. I was wet as hell. All those weeks of masturbating about him.

We were more than carried away and I kept thinking,

“Thank goodness its still hard.”

I touched his cock a bit but didn't want to put him under any pressure.

Intercourse games


Without any to-do he just entered me. No encouragement from me, all his own free-will ;-) He was pumping me very convincingly and asked if he could come in me. My brain just wasn't able to focus on an answer. I didn't know what to say. I was enjoying myself so much so I said nothing. We changed positions - I was now on my knees, doggy style. He was holding on to my hips and shafting me like a proper man! Before I had realised it he had cum – no condoms – what was I thinking? I am not on the pill and don't really know Al's sexual history. I have no idea how safe he is.

No condom


You see I knew he wouldn't have bought any condoms, and actually I did check his jacket pocket whilst he was in the toilet. Of course, I also wondered if using a condom, as we did before, meant the feeling for him was less sensitive. I had it in my head this may have been a factor in him not keeping it up last time. I actually think we both knew we weren't going to use one before we even started making out. Too much was at stake.

Of course, unless I have a STD test, I have now jeopardised my chances of sleeping with Vic – as he can't use condoms – or sleeping with Seb without a condom. Should either chance arise.

Anyway we had successful intercourse. Happy. Maybe the first time he had been worried about coming too soon or living up to expectations? Who knows. I am not sure what to believe. I know I am 8 days into my cycle so it should be OK as far as pregnancy is concerned. Many would call me stupid but it just felt like it was not in my control. The want, the need for it to work, after last time, was stronger than thoughts of safety. I think he felt it too. I have never taken such a sexual risk before – ever.

Games in bed


So then we went to bed. He actually slept. I was too fired up. Next morning I was dozing and he woke me by putting his hand on my pussy. It really did not take me long to orgasm. I then gave him a hand-job, and to my delight it worked!

We got up and had some cereal. It was very relaxed and we arsed around a little. Playing some old music of my Mums. It was time for him to go. I asked in a joking fashion,

“So will I see you before the year 2000?”

He replied that he will call me during the week. Smiled, kissed me lightly on the lips and attempted to drive off. His car wouldn't start so we gave him a jump start from mine.

Verdict ~ good date


It was a good date and I want him more than ever. I have only told Virginia and Christine – I can't face telling the others and then he doesn't ring. Though I have decided, if for some reason he doesn't call, I will try and speak to him the following week and tell him he's a bloody rat bag.. But I really did feel we had reached an understanding of some sort – its difficult to explain, but I just feel good about it. No more games.

The actual intercourse was quite mediocre, to be honest, but I didn't care. I want him no matter what. Although I still have loads of questions about things, I just don't think he will tell me yet, but what can I do? I am hooked, and I hope he rings soon, more than I can say.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Games people play and questions about sexuality

Back from holiday and a surprise call ~ Before May Mattered 

games people play
The games people play


Feeling good! The holiday was great apart from some creepy middle aged guy who was part of our group. He was so hung up on me he couldn't stop looking and trying to talk to me. It was very embarrassing as his wife was with him and perfectly lovely.

Friday, 6 October 2017

Over Him ~ Slowly coming to terms with not having him

Getting Over Him ~ Easier said than done but progress being made ~ Before May Mattered
over him
Getting Over Him

20th August 1997
He didn't go to Hannah's party and if that happened I know I said I wasn't going to write again but I want to – a slight calm has passed through me. Don't get me wrong I still want him – I'd still see him if I had that option, even though my best judgement says not to. But I just can't feel bad towards him. I like him. I see him in my head. Still I can feel his touch. It's not so painful now. If that event had not happened and one of us or both had decided not to carry on, I don't think he would be on my mind so much. Its just I cant help thinking he liked me quite a bit and that once he had put the horror of that whole evening out of his head, he would still like me – or rather does like me. 

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Date Disaster ~ Stay Calm and Don't Date a Policeman

Date Disaster ~ I am not compatible with policeman ~ Before May Mattered.

Date disaster
Dates Matter!

August 1997
All I seem to do is write about Al, but need to catch up regarding other things that have been going on in my life. Jane and I kept our date with the guys we met when away. 

Picked up in a bar

Monday, 28 August 2017

Obsessive behaviour and self absorption rules

Obsessive behaviour and self Absorption Rules! ~ Before May Mattered

Obsessive behaviour
Obsessive behaviour

July 31st 1997
It does seem to rule me at the moment and what are the rules? How long before this obsessive behaviour turns me crazy?

Others opinions


OK – spoke to Vic last night for over 2 hours about it all.  He seemed to think my assumptions regarding Al and getting down with men are correct. He said the Bastard bit got him and that all in all my hitting him wasn’t nearly as extreme as what he did.  Trouble is I still want him. His mind intrigues me and physically i am far too attracted to him.  I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. In the beginning I wasn’t so keen on his body, but now that’s the body I want – smooth chest, long fingers, muscled bum – all of it. And I adored the way he kissed me, always passionate and urgent and that doesn’t fit with my assumptions about him..

Monday, 14 August 2017

Aftermath Ramblings of a deluded wretch

Aftermath ramblings - Before May Mattered

Aftermath Ramblings - looking back and forward

aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings

July 29th 1997

Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Explanation Letter ~ He went Soft so I slapped him

Explanation Letter -  not an apology - Before May Mattered

explanation letter
Explanation Letter

July 26th 1997

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version. 

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Punish Me, Where I get spanked before I misbehave!

Punish Me - The punishment before the crime - Before May Mattered

punish me
Punish Me


July 1997
Right my head’s in a real spin over what occurred at the weekend with Al. Once again I don’t know what to do or think.

So here’s what happened...

After a very flirty phone call telling me what time he would arrive at mine I was expecting good things. Feeling horny and full of hope. He decides to park and come in. I had prepared for this and had a glass of wine waiting for him. Yes, me trying to be the girl for all occasions.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Phone Sex, an experience I embraced with open legs

phone sex

Phone Sex - an interesting addition - Before May Mattered


Sunday early July 1997
Well it’s been just over a week since I’ve written my diary. Though I did write to Vic telling him about the blow job incident and asking what he thinks. It was rather a long letter really. I received a reply from him yesterday which was a damn sight shorter than my effort. He just said that Al seems strange and I should be careful, signing off by saying he loved me.  Bless him. Why can’t I just settle for him? Why is Al on my mind so much? At work I excused myself to Christine’s office and told her in detail what happened with Al.  She was less judgmental than Vic. Her opinion is that there may be a history of some sort of abuse or things I know little about.  I must talk to Hannah about this, as after all Al is her boyfriends mate.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Fucking Bastard Forced me to give him Head

Fucking Bastard - in more ways than one - Before May Mattered

Fucking Bastard
Fucking Bastard forced me to give him head

June 1997

Well - I am not really sure exactly what I am feeling at the moment – having slept on it I am no clearer in my head about what went on with Al today, than I was yesterday.  He has confused me for sure.

The evening started well. He picked me up from mums as we were going to that village near where her new flat is. As soon as we got there and sat down with our drinks he enthusiastically began to talk about all the places we could go together and generally how great it would be. He told me he wants to take me to his work mate’s garden party, so I can meet him and his wife. The confusion started when we were onto our second drink and I thought it was time to tell him that Seb and I were no longer together. That is when the atmosphere changed.

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