Friday, 6 October 2017

Over Him ~ Slowly coming to terms with not having him

Getting Over Him ~ Easier said than done but progress being made ~ Before May Mattered
over him
Getting Over Him

20th August 1997
He didn't go to Hannah's party and if that happened I know I said I wasn't going to write again but I want to – a slight calm has passed through me. Don't get me wrong I still want him – I'd still see him if I had that option, even though my best judgement says not to. But I just can't feel bad towards him. I like him. I see him in my head. Still I can feel his touch. It's not so painful now. If that event had not happened and one of us or both had decided not to carry on, I don't think he would be on my mind so much. Its just I cant help thinking he liked me quite a bit and that once he had put the horror of that whole evening out of his head, he would still like me – or rather does like me. 

At night I still dream about him. I can't masturbate over him as I am afraid of how it will make me feel – I had been doing that since January.

He likes men?

I may be completely wrong and he could have stopped thinking about me, but my intuition says he wishes it had been different. Certain things he said - when I asked him about him being casual with me - he told me I was barking completely up the wrong tree and that he liked my body more than I could realise. I think I must have been the first woman in ages that he really wanted.

When I run everything through my head I remember different conversations we had. At the Soho bar he told me that when he first used to go there it was completely a gay bar. Why would a red blooded straight guy go to gay bars unless he was gay or bi-sexual. Why didn't he just admit it?

I was talking to Christine about it and she said,

You cant compete with men. If it was another woman yes, but not with a possible other man.”

Split personality

I think there was definitely two or possibly three Al's. The man – one of the lads, quite masculine. But that wasn't the one I was attracted to. It was the other personality – the camp Al. The way his mannerisms and smile would sometimes come across as so effeminate. The ironic thing is that because he's so camp I probably can't have him.

Which is such a shame as we were so much on a similar level and wave length. So much initial promise. But thinking about it, because he couldn't be open with me or talk about things, I would always have hit him. I am only human.

The numerous bangles all up his arm and remember the scratches – yes there's another, man possible a married guy – how does he know him – where did he meet him – why isn't it ME. Too much thinking means ideas are running away with me. I need a good bloody fuck!

Too soon for Anal

That night when I hit him I am sure before he went soft inside me he was angling for anal. He kept trying to move his cock towards my arse hole. Because I expect if he's slept with men then obviously that is what he would be used to. But he shouldn't of expected it from me, not that early on in a relationship. But of course he doesn't know the rules where girls are concerned. He never knew how to handle me, bloody knew how to kiss me though! When he touched me he was so direct and rough. That first night when he began to undo my shirt. I stopped him because looking in his eyes he looked so distant, so distracted. It just made me unsure. 

He cant blame me for coming to the conclusions I have particularly if he doesn't tell me otherwise. I do want him out of my head. Time and hopefully going to Spain with Mum, Phil and Val will help.  
over him
Starting to get over him

Three days later (26th) - getting over him

You know I'm off on holiday at the weekend and I don't want to count my chickens but I think I am almost over it. I am feeling much happier and I am due for my period. Its about a month since the shit hit the fan. A whole month of low self-esteem and confusion in general. Today's the day I had earmarked to send him a note asking to meet him, but I don't want to. I don't want to set myself back 4 weeks. I'm protecting myself rather than reaching out to him. I did want to help him though. He must have some sort of sex problem. Be it with accepting his sexuality or an erectile dysfunction disorder. But I am willing to walk away now – he's a thing of the past. 

I am totally going to think of myself. I am up for enjoying myself again. If I try and see it from his point of view then he must have been mortified by what happened. So I can not harbour any malice against him. Of course I still like him I have just stopped thinking so much about how much he turned me on. I am just not hoping any more. I have let go of that. 

Phone calls

For a few weeks I have been getting funny phone calls where I answered and nobody said anything. Well they've stopped now. It was probably him. He's moved on and so must I.

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Date Disaster ~ Stay Calm and Don't Date a Policeman

Date Disaster ~ I am not compatible with policeman ~ Before May Mattered.

Date disaster
Dates Matter!

August 1997
All I seem to do is write about Al, but need to catch up regarding other things that have been going on in my life. Jane and I kept our date with the guys we met when away. 

Picked up in a bar

Monday, 28 August 2017

Obsessive behaviour and self absorption rules

Obsessive behaviour and self Absorption Rules! ~ Before May Mattered

Obsessive behaviour
Obsessive behaviour

July 31st 1997
It does seem to rule me at the moment and what are the rules? How long before this obsessive behaviour turns me crazy?

Others opinions


OK – spoke to Vic last night for over 2 hours about it all.  He seemed to think my assumptions regarding Al and getting down with men are correct. He said the Bastard bit got him and that all in all my hitting him wasn’t nearly as extreme as what he did.  Trouble is I still want him. His mind intrigues me and physically i am far too attracted to him.  I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. In the beginning I wasn’t so keen on his body, but now that’s the body I want – smooth chest, long fingers, muscled bum – all of it. And I adored the way he kissed me, always passionate and urgent and that doesn’t fit with my assumptions about him..

Monday, 14 August 2017

Aftermath Ramblings of a deluded wretch

Aftermath ramblings - Before May Mattered

Aftermath Ramblings - looking back and forward

aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings

July 29th 1997

Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Explanation Letter ~ He went Soft so I slapped him

Explanation Letter -  not an apology - Before May Mattered

explanation letter
Explanation Letter

July 26th 1997

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version. 

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Punish Me, Where I get spanked before I misbehave!

Punish Me - The punishment before the crime - Before May Mattered

punish me
Punish Me


July 1997
Right my head’s in a real spin over what occurred at the weekend with Al. Once again I don’t know what to do or think.

So here’s what happened...

After a very flirty phone call telling me what time he would arrive at mine I was expecting good things. Feeling horny and full of hope. He decides to park and come in. I had prepared for this and had a glass of wine waiting for him. Yes, me trying to be the girl for all occasions.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Phone Sex, an experience I embraced with open legs

phone sex

Phone Sex - an interesting addition - Before May Mattered


Sunday early July 1997
Well it’s been just over a week since I’ve written my diary. Though I did write to Vic telling him about the blow job incident and asking what he thinks. It was rather a long letter really. I received a reply from him yesterday which was a damn sight shorter than my effort. He just said that Al seems strange and I should be careful, signing off by saying he loved me.  Bless him. Why can’t I just settle for him? Why is Al on my mind so much? At work I excused myself to Christine’s office and told her in detail what happened with Al.  She was less judgmental than Vic. Her opinion is that there may be a history of some sort of abuse or things I know little about.  I must talk to Hannah about this, as after all Al is her boyfriends mate.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Fucking Bastard Forced me to give him Head

Fucking Bastard - in more ways than one - Before May Mattered

Fucking Bastard
Fucking Bastard forced me to give him head

June 1997

Well - I am not really sure exactly what I am feeling at the moment – having slept on it I am no clearer in my head about what went on with Al today, than I was yesterday.  He has confused me for sure.

The evening started well. He picked me up from mums as we were going to that village near where her new flat is. As soon as we got there and sat down with our drinks he enthusiastically began to talk about all the places we could go together and generally how great it would be. He told me he wants to take me to his work mate’s garden party, so I can meet him and his wife. The confusion started when we were onto our second drink and I thought it was time to tell him that Seb and I were no longer together. That is when the atmosphere changed.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Dirty Sex

Dirty Sex on my Mind - Before May Mattered

Dirty Sex
Dirty Sex

June 1997

After talking to Jane’s sister I tried to sleep. I ended up having quite a restless night going over everything that had happened in my head. I masturbated, reliving Al fondling by breasts, and took the scene further so that in my head he was pounding his cock into me while spanking my arse. That’s the type of sex I want – not polite and not always gentle, dirty sex. In the olden days, with Vic, we could get quite raunchy but not as “bad” as I need – I only get that in my imagination. I drifted into a deeper sleep and woke at ten. Waiting for Vic, I Pottered around congratulating myself about how brave I’d been to tell Seb it was over.

Monday, 15 May 2017


Preface Matters - Before May Mattered

preface matters
Preface Matters

Early June 1997

I can’t believe it - after 3 years I have actually finished with Seb. He took it well, looked sad but just got up and walked out of my house – gone to his Mums I expect. I rang Jane but she was out with work friends. I had to talk to someone so told her sister all about it. Vic will be over tomorrow. 

Now I am actually free I am not entirely sure if I want to rekindle a serious relationship with him though. It’s strange, almost like we can’t stop loving each other but can’t commit to each other again either – rather I can’t commit to him!

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