Monday, 14 August 2017

Aftermath Ramblings of a deluded wretch

Aftermath ramblings - Before May Mattered

Aftermath Ramblings - looking back and forward

aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings

July 29th 1997

Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.

I suppose we were being a little bitchy but how does Al know I will protect him? I could be telling all his mates. Of course I won’t, but he isn’t to know that.  Hannah doesn’t know the full story and she keeps saying that Al will call me. He won’t. I want him but can’t have him. Really he had no right pursuing me if he is unsure of his sexuality. Now I know why at Hannah’s party he hesitated and said he’d never been out with a girl he liked and he’d never met anyone like me. He hadn’t. I think the reason he said he was attracted to me in the beginning was because I told him he was camp and may have slept with men.  He never replied but he probably thought;

“this one can cope with it”.

I need some balls


I really just want him to be Ok – not to be confused or worry, yeah I know that’s lame because he made me feel like shit!

Seb has realised something is wrong. He rang Jane last night and said he knew I was upset and some guy must have hurt me. She just told him that I would get over it in a few weeks. Jane - ever the naive optimist. I think I just want to get Hannah’s birthday over with and then I will have to get real and face up to it.  Trouble is I do want to see him. I want him even if it’s just as a friend and keep wondering if he has anyone to talk to. I know it sounds silly but I’d like him to know I would be his friend.

After I hit him and he wasn’t too pleased, to say the least, I said,

“I just wanted to be your friend. “

He replied that I’d gone the wrong way about it by hitting him. But in hindsight by doing that I gave him the perfect excuse to just get up and leave quickly. Maybe after a while he would have spoken to me about what happened if I hadn’t of lashed out. It was spontaneous, I couldn’t help myself. Virginia thinks he would have been too embarrassed to talk in depth about it and whether I hit him or not he wouldn’t have rang through embarrassment.

aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings - I hit him!



I opened one of my condoms last night. The ones he had were much thicker! I’m thinking that gay guys would need thicker condoms for obvious reasons.

Oh Al – why why why? It’s so sad when you are the only guy I’ve met in ages who turns me on sooo bloody much. Will I ever see you again? Not for months I think.

The way I see it there are these options:
  • He’s been abused as a child which has led to unusual sexual tastes
  • He is just bi sexual anyway
  • He’s actually really gay
  • He was nervous of me
I’m probably never going to know.

I hope the letter I sent has not made him feel too bad. If he is away because of work he may not have even read it yet.

Seb is a man and a half – knowing it’s more than likely another guy who has upset me and still being concerned about me. I want him to hit Al – but then again I’ve already done that myself.

The point is why does he wear loads of bangles all the way up his arm and then cover them up with long sleeves? He was very defensive about what they actually mean. And why hide the fact he had acquired a new one? I hurt for him because he won’t hurt for me – he may feel embarrassed but he will put it all to the back of his mind and bring out another one of those different personalities as a way of defence. You never know he may even throw the letter away without reading it.

What about tomorrow?


The trouble is I am still young enough to live in hope about seeing him say in five months at a new years or Christmas party but old enough to keep thinking of the start of that evening when he was so fucking horny to me – a bit rough too. I liked it! Was he rough because usually he’s getting down and dirty with men?

The morning after when I rang him he sounded like a spoilt little boy – doesn’t he know I don’t want to hit him? I want to hug him.

One thing I must be careful about is that the phone may have been on loud speaker when I called and was talking to him about hitting him. If it was his brother may already know.  So if I hear any comments about the incident I mustn’t automatically blame Al. But If I do have strong evidence he has been gossiping about the slap I will not hesitate to let rip about him.  He must realise his reputation with his mates is in my hands – that gives me power. And after all me hitting him is probably a more common thing than what he did (or rather didn’t do) to me.

Want to know who the gang was? 

Nowadays I look like this

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Explanation Letter ~ He went Soft so I slapped him

Explanation Letter -  not an apology - Before May Mattered

explanation letter
Explanation Letter

July 26th 1997

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version. 

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Punish Me, Where I get spanked before I misbehave!

Punish Me - The punishment before the crime - Before May Mattered

punish me
Punish Me


July 1997
Right my head’s in a real spin over what occurred at the weekend with Al. Once again I don’t know what to do or think.

So here’s what happened...

After a very flirty phone call telling me what time he would arrive at mine I was expecting good things. Feeling horny and full of hope. He decides to park and come in. I had prepared for this and had a glass of wine waiting for him. Yes, me trying to be the girl for all occasions.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Phone Sex, an experience I embraced with open legs

phone sex

Phone Sex - an interesting addition - Before May Mattered


Sunday early July 1997
Well it’s been just over a week since I’ve written my diary. Though I did write to Vic telling him about the blow job incident and asking what he thinks. It was rather a long letter really. I received a reply from him yesterday which was a damn sight shorter than my effort. He just said that Al seems strange and I should be careful, signing off by saying he loved me.  Bless him. Why can’t I just settle for him? Why is Al on my mind so much? At work I excused myself to Christine’s office and told her in detail what happened with Al.  She was less judgmental than Vic. Her opinion is that there may be a history of some sort of abuse or things I know little about.  I must talk to Hannah about this, as after all Al is her boyfriends mate.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Fucking Bastard Forced me to give him Head

Fucking Bastard - in more ways than one - Before May Mattered

Fucking Bastard
Fucking Bastard forced me to give him head

June 1997

Well - I am not really sure exactly what I am feeling at the moment – having slept on it I am no clearer in my head about what went on with Al today, than I was yesterday.  He has confused me for sure.

The evening started well. He picked me up from mums as we were going to that village near where her new flat is. As soon as we got there and sat down with our drinks he enthusiastically began to talk about all the places we could go together and generally how great it would be. He told me he wants to take me to his work mate’s garden party, so I can meet him and his wife. The confusion started when we were onto our second drink and I thought it was time to tell him that Seb and I were no longer together. That is when the atmosphere changed.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Dirty Sex

Dirty Sex on my Mind - Before May Mattered

Dirty Sex
Dirty Sex

June 1997

After talking to Jane’s sister I tried to sleep. I ended up having quite a restless night going over everything that had happened in my head. I masturbated, reliving Al fondling by breasts, and took the scene further so that in my head he was pounding his cock into me while spanking my arse. That’s the type of sex I want – not polite and not always gentle, dirty sex. In the olden days, with Vic, we could get quite raunchy but not as “bad” as I need – I only get that in my imagination. I drifted into a deeper sleep and woke at ten. Waiting for Vic, I Pottered around congratulating myself about how brave I’d been to tell Seb it was over.

Monday, 15 May 2017


Preface Matters - Before May Mattered

preface matters
Preface Matters

Early June 1997

I can’t believe it - after 3 years I have actually finished with Seb. He took it well, looked sad but just got up and walked out of my house – gone to his Mums I expect. I rang Jane but she was out with work friends. I had to talk to someone so told her sister all about it. Vic will be over tomorrow. 

Now I am actually free I am not entirely sure if I want to rekindle a serious relationship with him though. It’s strange, almost like we can’t stop loving each other but can’t commit to each other again either – rather I can’t commit to him!

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